Test Your FaithSome theologians believe that the LORD loves most that sheep which has strayed and returned to the fold. Others believe Him to be secretly vexed by these fence hopping, shilly-shallying ditherers and as punishment reincarnates them as people with big noses and bad skin.
However, regardless of this age old debate, one thing is certain: even the Good LORD has His limits. Once His mighty mind is made up, He sticks to His guns. So it may be that you are trying to be a good Christian, but in reality have consigned yourself to the burning agony of eternal damnation several years ago. Imagine your dismay should you waste the rest of your life being a boring Christian with a side parting, only to end up in the fires of Hell anyway! You'd be kicking yourself that you didn't have a damn good orgy covered in goat's blood, steal one of those things you really wanted but could never afford, or murder at least a few of the people who wound you up so much while you were alive.
So, in order to prevent this type of regret, our Patented 'Sin-O-Meter' has been designed by leading academics from our ranks. Simply complete the list of questions by clicking 'yes' or 'no' for each question and once you have finished hit the yellow 'Tell Me Where I'm Going O LORD' button.
Our database will then calculate your responses, compare them to the laws of the LORD, and inform you how you will be spending the rest of forever.
Armed with this knowledge, you can then either sit about smugly telling everyone that when you get to Heaven you're going to eat sweets until you're sick all over the place and then eat some more; or you can go on a demented rampage of wild debauchery and self-serving pleasure in this life instead. So everyone is a winner!
Well, almost everyone; Saint Peter is said to be intensely annoyed that all the excitement and suspense has been taken out of his job of weighing out peoples sins when they die. In fact it is said that he doesn't really see the point in playing the tension building soundtrack God gave him or waiting for the official '5 second pause' before giving his verdict to the judged anymore.
But let us not worry about St Peter because, truth be told, he was always a bit of a berk. Let's face it, anyone who can't even get crucified the right way up must be a bit of a thicky when you come down to it! No, instead let us worry about you, and how you will fare in this, the most important test you will ever have in all eternity! Our prayers go with you...