Test Your Faith

Some theologians believe that the LORD loves most that sheep which has strayed and returned to the fold. Others believe Him to be secretly vexed by these fence hopping, shilly-shallying ditherers and as punishment reincarnates them as people with big noses and bad skin.

However, regardless of this age old debate, one thing is certain: even the Good LORD has His limits. Once His mighty mind is made up, He sticks to His guns. So it may be that you are trying to be a good Christian, but in reality have consigned yourself to the burning agony of eternal damnation several years ago. Imagine your dismay should you waste the rest of your life being a boring Christian with a side parting, only to end up in the fires of Hell anyway! You'd be kicking yourself that you didn't have a damn good orgy covered in goat's blood, steal one of those things you really wanted but could never afford, or murder at least a few of the people who wound you up so much while you were alive.

So, in order to prevent this type of regret, our Patented 'Sin-O-Meter' has been designed by leading academics from our ranks. Simply complete the list of questions by clicking 'yes' or 'no' for each question and once you have finished hit the yellow 'Tell Me Where I'm Going O LORD' button.

Our database will then calculate your responses, compare them to the laws of the LORD, and inform you how you will be spending the rest of forever.

Armed with this knowledge, you can then either sit about smugly telling everyone that when you get to Heaven you're going to eat sweets until you're sick all over the place and then eat some more; or you can go on a demented rampage of wild debauchery and self-serving pleasure in this life instead. So everyone is a winner!

Well, almost everyone; Saint Peter is said to be intensely annoyed that all the excitement and suspense has been taken out of his job of weighing out peoples sins when they die. In fact it is said that he doesn't really see the point in playing the tension building soundtrack God gave him or waiting for the official '5 second pause' before giving his verdict to the judged anymore.

But let us not worry about St Peter because, truth be told, he was always a bit of a berk. Let's face it, anyone who can't even get crucified the right way up must be a bit of a thicky when you come down to it! No, instead let us worry about you, and how you will fare in this, the most important test you will ever have in all eternity! Our prayers go with you...

Patented Sin-O-Meter

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I believe in God. Yes No

I believe that the Holy Bible is God's word. Yes No

I believe that the Holy Bible is a metaphor-laden philosophical work. Yes No

I believe that the Holy Bible is best read backwards and upside down. Yes No

I believe that the Holy Bible is not as good as something I could write. Yes No

Someone threw the Holy Bible at me once, and I threw it back! Yes No

I believe what God tells me. Yes No

I believe what people tell me. Yes No

I believe what God tells other people who then tell me. Yes No

I give nice things to people. Yes No

I give people black eyes. Yes No

I give to charity. Yes No

I give to Christian charity. Yes No

I give to Satanist charity. Yes No

I give people who collect for charity black eyes. Yes No

I murder people. Yes No

I murder some people while rescuing other people. Yes No

I accidently murder people. Yes No

I murder Satanists while rescuing Christians. Yes No

I murder animals. Yes No

I murder animals while rescuing Satanists. Yes No

I murder animals while rescuing Christians. Yes No

I murder animals and people while rescuing animal Satanists. Yes No

I covet animals. Yes No

I rescue animals from people who covet them. Yes No

I sue people who covet my animals for personal gain. Yes No

I sue people who covet my animals in the name of Jesus. Yes No

Whilst suing people, I regularly perjure myself. Yes No

I drink the urine of animals while murdering Satanists. Yes No

I covet animal urine while murdering Christians. Yes No

I give blood. Yes No

I make other people give blood against their will. Yes No

I covet the blood of other people. Yes No

I make Christians give blood to Satanists. Yes No

I give animal blood to Satanists. Yes No

I commit adultery with people. Yes No

I commit adultery with Christians. Yes No

I commit adultery with Satanists. Yes No

I commit adultery with animals. Yes No

I force animals to commit adultery. Yes No

I train animals to commit adultery with Christians. Yes No

I covet animals that commit adultery with Satanists. Yes No

I steal things. Yes No

I steal things for the poor a bit like Robin Hood. Yes No

I steal things for Jesus. Yes No

I steal Jesus' things. Yes No

I steal from Satanists. Yes No

I hide from strangers. Yes No

I murder strangers and hide them. Yes No

I commit adultery with murdered strangers, while animals watch. Yes No

I never work on Sunday. Yes No

I sometimes work on Sunday, but I don’t like it. Yes No

I work on Sunday if the money is really good. Yes No

I work on Sunday to save lives. Yes No

I only work on Sunday. Yes No

I always work as hard as I possibly can. Yes No

I commit adultery on Sunday. Yes No

I covet adultery on Sunday. Yes No

I respect murdered adulterers parents on Sunday. Yes No

On Sunday, I steal animals I covet from Christian strangers who I then murder on my way to work. Yes No

I love my neighbour. Yes No

I love my neighbour in the ass. Yes No

I hate my neighbours because they are always making loud noises. Yes No

I try to love my neighbour but fail because they are really fat. Yes No

I covet my neighbour. Yes No

I commit adultery with my neighbour. Yes No

I train animals to covet my neighbour. Yes No

I respect my parents. Yes No

I respect my Satanist parents. Yes No

I covet others peoples parents. Yes No

I respect my neighbour’s parents. Yes No

My parent’s neighbours respect me coveting their animals. Yes No

I never bear false witness. Yes No

I bear false witness at the drop of a hat. Yes No

I always bear false witness against my neighbour. Yes No

My neighbour badmouthed Jesus, so I bore false witness against him. Yes No

I never badmouth God. Yes No

I would badmouth God if I wasn't so afraid of Him. Yes No

I trained a parrot to badmouth God then crucified it. Yes No

I love God. Yes No

I love Jesus. Yes No

I love Satan. Yes No

I don't really mind Jesus, but I'm not so sure about God. Yes No

Jesus annoys the Hell out of me; sometimes I just want to smack Him in the mouth! Yes No

I would like to hug Jesus. Yes No

If Jesus tried to hug me I would punch Him. Yes No

I would like to dance a jig with Jesus. Yes No

If I danced with Jesus and He stood on my feet I would forgive Him. Yes No

If I danced with Jesus and He stood on my feet I would set fire to His hair and kick Him in the face. Yes No

I would like to get Jesus drunk and take advantage of Him. Yes No

I would like to crucify Jesus all over again, just for a laugh. Yes No

I worship God. Yes No

I used to worship God but I got bored and stopped. Yes No

I worship God and Thor too because Thor had a cool hammer. Yes No

I worship Baal every now and then because no one else does anymore and I feel sorry for Him. Yes No

I worship Satan. Yes No

I worship statues of ham. Yes No