Bible Studies

Of all the books ever written the Holy Bible is without doubt the best. It's very long and contains a great many words; a testament (if any were needed) to its mighty wonderfulness. Librarians often have trouble in categorising the Bible, because in some places it's a thriller, in others a historical work and in part a collection of humorous stories. We should be clear however, that one thing the Bible definitely isn't is a 'who done it', because it's quite specific that it is God that has 'done it' of course!

While the Bible is of course mostly a history, containing a wealth of facts and in-depth genealogies, it also involves a little fiction here and there (such as when Jesus is telling His stories and fables to get a certain message across). So technically those parables might be better stored in the 'fiction' section of the library. However, as the rest of the Bible is most certainly very true indeed (and bearing in mind that splitting the Good Book asunder is not something anyone should do unless they fancy spending an eternity on fire with Satan chewing on their face) to play things safe we advise all librarians to store the Bible in pride of place in the non-fiction area of their libraries.

Indeed, we would go as far as to recommend that once you've got the Bible in your Library, or indeed your bookcase at home, it's best to throw all the other books on a fire, because you won't be needing them any more! Why would you possibly want to read anything else when you could be reading the wisdom of the Almighty? If you don't like the idea of burning books, consider that it is better they are the things that burn, and not your good self.

After all did not the blessed Timothy say:

"Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies, which minister questions, rather than godly edifying which is in faith: so do."
1 Timothy 1:4

And while the Bible does indeed contain "fables and endless genealogies, which minister questions", Theologians are quite sure Timothy didn't mean those ones. He was obviously talking about different "fables and endless genealogies, which minister questions", found in books other than the Bible, which are probably really stupid.

The Bible is complex. This is hardly surprising when you take into account the fact that it is the work of the Ultimate Being - He's not likely to waste His time writing anything less than a complicated epic now is He? Many Theologians postulate that the original Bible would have been written in ink made from compressed stars, with a solid gold pen 10 million miles high, on paper made from crushed diamonds and other precious stones. They argue that God would have then shrunk the massive tome to a size convenient to fit on the average book shelf, and then handed out copies as after dinner presents or stocking fillers.

Many a wise man has bent his head to the Bible. Thomas Aquinas, for example, who was the first person to ever read it all in one sitting whilst balancing an egg on his nose. He also holds the record for jumping up and down on the Bible shouting and giggling that "Jesus loves me, He loves me more than bacon sandwiches!" So it is small wonder that he is revered by many as perhaps the finest Biblical scholar of all time. We should however remember that he was a Catholic, so can't have been that clever really when you come down to it.

While well known for his heavy brain, Thomas Aquinas also had a reputation for flatulence, obesity and having an extremely big nose. Perhaps it is small wonder that upon Thomas' arrival at the 1266 Paris disputations, Franciscan master William of Baglione was famously quoted as saying: "Oh no, here comes stinky fat Thomas and his massive hooter. Let's hope he doesn't eat all our food and start farting everywhere." Sadly, historians are in little doubt that this is most probably just what Thomas would have proceeded to do.

Returning to modern times; in today’s hectic world of flying cars, flashing robots and talking snakes, it can be difficult to find the time to really study the word of God in the detail it deserves, and our Church understands this problem. So with this in mind we have created this part of our website to provide straight-talking, comprehensive explanations for many of the key issues found within the Blessed Book of the LORD. We hope with all our hearts that these pages might help to bring enlightenment where before there was only pig-ignorance and thick stupidness.

Speaking personally, one of the things I like best about the Bible is the way it's not filled with sex and violence, but good clean family entertainment. I've listed my favourite passage below:

"And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him.

And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also."
Genesis 38:7 - 10