Casting the First Stone

And we all know what happened next; the group that had gathered to stone the woman for adultery looked sheepishly at each other before dispersing.

Misguided theologians have always thought that what Jesus was trying to say here was: 'We are all bad really, so we shouldn't go about judging each other.'

They are quite clearly incorrect. Sadly this interpretation of the Bible is so popular among the uneducated and ill informed media that it has been pushed into everyone's face as truth. But if we are just to take the time to study the Bible with the care it deserves we can see the correct message to take from this story is quite different, and much more straight forward.

Let us consider the facts. The one thing we know about God is that He loves to judge people. Why would He not have His subjects get in on the fun too? Are we to believe that whilst in 'Jesus mode' God goes around telling everyone not to judge each other; only to later appear to the very same people in Heaven and proceed to judge the socks off them? Doesn't that sound outrageously hypocritical to you? Do you think the LORD is a hypocrite? Are you mad or just a Satanist?

Furthermore, right minded people will argue that God is very clear and straight forward when He gives His orders. They would say that if He had wanted mankind not to judge one another, He would have put it in the Ten Commandments. But there is no such commandment. Funnily enough there is one about adultery though:


In fact the Lord went further than that; in His book it is decreed that adulterers should be put to death:


And just in case you missed it the first time:


And did not Jesus say:


I think if you study the Bible and draw the correct conclusions, it's obvious that what Jesus was actually doing was testing the crowds' faith. The only outcome that makes sense was that all the crowd, by breaking the Lord's orders to put adulterers to death, were from that moment forth destined for eternal Hellfire.

I suspect that about a week later, Jesus would have led a mob around the town, dragging the individual members of the crowd that had disobeyed the LORD's teachings into the streets and commanding them to be clubbed to death like baby seals. The reason this isn't recorded in the Bible is probably because the disciples were too busy looking at themselves in mirrors and saying: "Who's a Holy fellow eh? And such a pretty one too!" to bother writing it down.

Remember, it was only a woman that was going to be stoned after all, and we know from the Bible that women should just shut up and do what they're told:


You got that, all you bloody women out there? Shut the Hell up and do what men tell you just like the Bible says God damn it! Christ they make me angry, mincing about with their dangerously tempting bodies and disgusting menstrual cycles... anyway, where was I? Oh yes, this 'casting the first stone' thing has caused numerous repercussions throughout western society - particularly in the United States of America, where literalist institutions have seen no other way to have their passion for murdering wrongdoers sanctioned by the words of the LORD than by employing freshly baptised babies to take on the role of executioner. Across the state prisons, ingenious systems of pulleys and gears have been constructed so that the activation of the machine that causes death can be linked to the shake of a rattle or the single suck of a dummy.

You've got to hand it to the Americans, when it comes to state enforced murder they're right up there with those crazy Islamic countries. Some people think Christians are a bunch of softies, but how many nuclear bombs have those useless followers of Muhammad dropped on innocent babies? That's right - sod all! Hah! Two-nil to the Christians on the atomic genocide scoreboard you bunch of pansy losers!

Another area where the 'casting the first stone' teachings have caused problems is of course the ten pin bowling industry. Fearing their venues burnt down by rampaging hoards of Christians, some managers have set up a system whereby the bowler goes through a quick 'confessional' purification ritual on their way to taking a shot. Professional bowlers complain that this can be off-putting when they are trying to pick up a spare, but admit it certainly beats being dragged out of the venue and strung up on the nearest street light by an angry mob of nutters.

Perhaps the worst example of how the Lord's supposed teachings as to the casting of stones resulted in tragedy is the case of the two Belgium tourists at Loch Ness in 1926.

They had already put local noses out of joint by wearing striped t-shirts, berets and hanging chains of onions around their necks whilst riding their bicycles up and down and all over the place, and one day things turned ugly. Happily skimming stones on the Loch, they were approached by angry locals who are said to have demanded of them "Which one o' ye poofters thinks he's without sin then?' before attacking them with cabers.

One of the luckless Belgiums died at the scene, and his counterpart died three weeks later in intensive care, having developed leprosy of the brain. Doctors suspected this condition was brought on by the injuries he sustained at the Loch. The perpetrators of this terrible act were never caught, but before the Belgian man died in hospital he was able to give a description of the ringleader to a police artist, which is reproduced here. May God have mercy on their poor souls; unless of course they were sinners, in which case may He burn them for ever with much Godly gusto.