The Sacred Holy Trinity

The Sacred Holy Trinity is indeed a wonderful thing, a fine example of the mighty power of our supreme LORD. He has the power to be three things at the same time! Three separate entities that are all made up of the same loving God!

This is of course an utterly fantastic display of power. It's not something you or I could do, but God can do it with ease! Imagine if you could divide yourself into three versions of yourself; how hard would it be to keep track of what the hell you were doing? I venture that were a mere mortal to attempt to divide themselves as described above they would not only die but would get a really bad headache when the three versions of them were all looking in different directions at the same time.

But appalling and illogical as it is to challenge this mighty feat of the LORD, sinful agnostics have dared to suggest that three separate manifestations of the LORD isn't that impressive and that four manifestations, for example, would be better.

I'm sure you're thinking what I did when I first heard the agnosticís preposterous waffle: "Four versions of the same God? How could four separate things all somehow be the same thing? That doesn't make any sense."

And you'd be right. Still it should not be our concern to consider the twisted and blunted mind of the agnostic. The LORD will sort them out when the time comes. In fact, using the Trinity, He'll be able to smite them from three directions at once!

Teaching the Trinity to your children needs to be done thoroughly and at an early age. In fact, as with all matters of faith, the younger your child the better.

To assist with this lesson, we've created a simple checklist for explaining the wonder of the Trinity:

1. Instruct the Child thus: "Child, sit ye down and harken to the good words of the LORD lest ye BURN IN HELL FOREVER GOD DAMN IT!"

2. At this stage we advise a quick prayer to clear the ears of the child from any trace of Satan's foul tongue:

Praise the LORD for having three heads,
Like some kind of monster, He's got several legs,
With His thirty fingers and His thirty toes,
He can easily play chess while blowing His nose,

3. Now we recommend that you tease the child in this kind of way: "Child, I've a good mind not to teach you about the Trinity. You don't look that interested so if you like you can just BURN IN HELL FOREVER GOD DAMN IT!"

4. Once the sobbing child has pleaded for a reasonable length of time, calm their fears and proceed thus:

"Very well, child. Now harken. Three things that are different from one another are sometimes in fact the same thing. Consider the brick and the egg and the runaway train. These things are different to one another in several ways, but should the LORD wish them to be one then they would be one - even if to all observation and scrutiny they appeared to be three separate and different objects.

Likewise, a single object can be more than two different things. It can be three different things if the LORD doth wish it.

Take the example of the wild elk. This beast has horns and attacks the mightiest of men, but the LORD can divide the elk asunder into equal parts of three and they will be different and yet the same thing - all at the same time - if He so wishes.

In this way, Jesus is God and the Holy Spirit. They are all one and the same, yet They talk to each other, and this is completely normal."

5. That should be enough for the child; any questions can be answered with a howling scream of "Blasphemy!" and a good clip round the ear.

6. Send the child outside to birch itself and the lesson is over.

One truly fascinating side to the Trinity is the bearing it has on Biblical text. For example, when Jesus is young He disappears for days on end before being finally found at a temple. When His mother asks Him where He's been He remarks "Jesus Christ woman, did you not know I'd be about My Father's business?" This caused a great deal of confusion at the time, as Jesusí father Joseph was a traffic warden you see, and Jesus had not been out issuing tickets to the many oxen drawn carts that choked the streets but had instead been sitting in a temple waffling rubbish with the local nutters.

But when we apply the Trinity to this situation, Jesus would have said "Jesus Christ woman, did you not know I'd be about My business?"; which makes a lot more sense.

The Trinity can also be postulated as the reason God never answers any prayers. The thinking is that He's far too busy trying to sit on His own right hand, because (as we all know) Jesus sits at God's right hand in Heaven. But because God IS Jesus They keep having to get up and move one throne further to the right on a never ending line of thrones reaching off into infinity. Such is His glory and His Wisdom!