Life Guidance

Any right minded person wants to lead a good life. This is sadly not really that easy when you come down to it. What would be a better thing to do for example; give that tramp a tenner, or instead use the money to buy yourself a pornographic DVD then spend an hour or so masturbating in your parents' living room - groaning, moaning and thrashing about in a sweaty delirium, fumbling with your man sized tissues whilst they attempt to listen to the latest episode of 'The Archers'?

Will you be benefitting the world more by having fifty offspring, adopting a child, or by hiding your neighbour’s children in the sewers? Should you eat pork, sweets or celery, drink milk, mud or meths? How can a mere mortal be expected to know the answer to such complex conundrums? We are not all super clever brain experts are we?

It is a sobering thought that prior to the Good LORD deciding to lend us an incarnation of Himself for a few years before flying off back to Heaven, and King Henry VIII finally getting the Divine Message all worked out properly many hundreds of years later, no one could be expected to know the answer to questions like those listed above. This is why the centuries before Henry's reign are often described as 'The Dark Ages' - because the people who lived in these times knew no better than to cover everything in mud and defecate into their own hands.

You might think it hard to believe, but when Julius Caesar conquered Russia in 1245AD, he had to paint 'left' and 'right' on every one of his legionaries' sandals so that they didn't fall over when marching to Stalingrad. Our own good king Alfred the Great used to often put his trousers on back to front and accidently sit on a compost heap instead of a throne! Indeed the world was a most backwards place filled with people getting things wrong on a daily basis.

Happily, today we don't have such problems thanks to the loving wisdom of the Almighty. We now have His Book of laws and codes, the most Holy Bible, to guide us on our journey. This champion of books, this monarch of novels, contains everything a person needs to know in order to live a happy and productive life. From simple everyday tasks such as cooking meals, raising children and sacrificing goats, to the complexities of constructing a low orbit space station, the Bible contains all the answers you will ever need.

For example, witness the clarity of instruction almighty God gives us in the business of slavery:

"If thou buy an Hebrew servant, six years he shall serve: and in the seventh he shall go out free for nothing.

If he came in by himself, he shall go out by himself: if he were married, then his wife shall go out with him.

If his master have given him a wife, and she have born him sons or daughters; the wife and her children shall be her master's, and he shall go out by himself.

And if the servant shall plainly say, I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free:

Then his master shall bring him unto the judges; he shall also bring him to the door, or unto the door post; and his master shall bore his ear through with an aul; and he shall serve him for ever."
Exodus 21:2-6

I know what you're thinking - it's such good clean common sense! Hard to believe that those foolish abolitionists had the gall to call themselves Christians when God clearly endorses the slavery of your fellow man in His own book of goodly business in such a straightforward manner! We can only assume that the abolitionists were either very lax in their Bible studies or outright Satanists to so twist the LORD's word to their own agenda!

Of course the very best place to learn answers such as these is inside your local Church, where the praying never stops and the joyful congregation packs the pews to sing the LORD's praises unto the rafters. Yes, a Church is a wonderful thing, a place to shelter from the evils of modern society and also to wear your very best clothes in order to show that you're wealthier than a lot of other people.

Sadly, not all of us can spend every hour God sends inside a Church; we have commitments in the material world, people to see, work to do, or really interesting television programmes to watch ('The Dukes of Hazzard' in particular is often very good, I find).

So to solve this problem, we have crafted this section of the website to use the wisdom found within the pages of the Good Book. You can access guidance on how to live a life that the Good LORD would approve of from the comfort of your own home! We hope these pages will help enrich the lives of all who read them, and that through the people who take these pages to heart, the will of the LORD will be done as it is in Heaven, here on Earth.