Convert Thy Neighbour

We all know that one of the most rewarding parts of being a Christian is converting others to the faith. Although talking with Godless agnostics is often a daunting and baffling experience, it offers the priceless chance to win the heathen over to God. Nothing pleases the LORD quite so much as a sinner returning to His mighty arms - apart from possibly drowning everyone to death with a huge great flood, which He is also quite partial to when the mood takes Him.

And how did the people howl when the waters came over their heads, yea, even over the heads of those infants held high by their parents.

"Splish, splash, you puny mortals! Gulp ye the waters of the flood into thy lungs and gargle its Godly goodness!"

So speaketh the LORD with much merriment and thigh-slapping glee,

And so did the people gargle, and choke, till they all perished under the waters of the LORD.

Marmenduke 58:93 - 96

The above quotation is not found in the Bible, being taken from the Book of Marmenduke (a member of my flock who has taken it upon himself to write some Biblical verse of his very own). Though by and large I find his work somewhat lengthy and tending to heresy in places, it’s still a darn good read and I’ve always thought these lines in particular capture the character of the Almighty with great accuracy.

Of course for the more traditional among you, we also have the account of the flood in Genesis:

Waters, very much like the kind God would have used to murder a planet full of people

And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.

Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.

And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:

All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.

And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.

Genesis: 7:19 – 23

Ah! Lovely stuff isn't it? It's just so beautiful it brings a tear to my eyes every time I think of it. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes; converting, well, in this section of our website we offer advice on saving a wide variety of souls from the disfiguring grasp of horrid, horrid Satan (boo) and instead returning them to the loving embrace of the most Holy Father, who only occasionally murders almost everyone and everything on the planet because He loves us all so much.

When it comes to converting, we find that a good general rule is to get people when they're down. The lonely, for example, are particularly easy converts as they'll be so pleased to interact with other human beings for a change that they'll go along with pretty much anything you say. In fact you have to be careful that they really have been converted, and are not just going through the motions to enjoy being around people again. So once you have allowed the miserable losers entry to the Church, a good way to be sure they are paying attention to the wisdom of the Almighty is to inform them they will have to sit surprise 'Bible Exams' from time to time. Let them know that failure to pass these tests will result in them being chucked out the Church, and you'll have them swotting away at the Good Book like a monk.

As people get older, they will find their thoughts turning to their mortality more and more often, and many will sign up to a Church like ours just to be on the safe side, in a 'Pascal's Wager' type of way. So have a pop at the next pensioner that crosses your path. They're all worth a few moments of your time, and of course they don’t get around so quick any more so it's not like they can run away!

Keep an eye out for any people with long term illnesses, or grieving for lost loved ones. You might think it funny that these people would be interested in hearing about how God is in charge of everything just when they're having such a hard time, but often enough they'll gobble it down! It's perfectly natural for a person to want to know that their loved one will somehow 'be OK' after death, so just tell them they will be - on the condition that they just toddle off to church for half an hour every week of course!

This man is dying of a viral hemorrhagic fever; why not tell him about how God created every living thing in His goodly wisdom?

This man is dying of a viral hemorrhagic fever; why not tell him about how God created every living thing in His goodly wisdom?

As to the sick - well they want to be well don't they? It's not rocket science people (and thank Heavens it isn't, because if it were rocket science we'd probably be godless agnostics or something!) Try this sort of thing: "Modern medicine not doing the job? Why not try some 'Jesus Juice' and see if that puts a spring in your step?" Of course, statistically speaking its unlikely their condition will improve, but we don't need to go into the fine print at this stage. Telling them that God used to heal the sick quite often should be more than enough for them to be getting on with. And miracles still happen every now and then don't they? Well, it's news to me if they don't!

Mind you, God doesn't want a church stuffed full of the elderly and infirm; He also wants to see the vigour and spunk of youth, bouncing about with firm young flesh and hot juices flowing - in a restrained, reverential and goodly way though, naturally. So it is handy that - although they are sometimes off-handedly disrespectful to the point of everlasting damnation - when approached alone, many of the young and inexperienced have innocent minds that make a fertile soil for the good word of the LORD.

When attempting to convert a young adult, we advise you first engage them in conversations about popular youth bands of the era, and the latest trends in clothes, before broaching the subject of eternal servitude to the Almighty. If male, the youth will often be entranced by talk of sexually-related exploits. When presented with one of these subjects, a tried and tested technique is to extol Jesus, portraying Him as a 'Jack the Lad' or 'Ladies' Man'. The parables of 'Jesus and the Cheerleaders' or 'What Jesus saw' are extremely effective in this situation. You should also be sure to go into some detail about the huge population of attractive young women who frequent your church. Similarly, when targeting a female youth, you should be sure to mention the hoards of attractive older men with nice cars who make up the vast majority of your congregation.

The power of promising sexual favours from Jesus, or the Virgin Mary, should also not be underestimated. Tell them that if they pray really hard, and are very, very good, they might receive a divine erotic vision. The beauty with this line is that you have a solid excuse whenever the subject complains that they are 'not getting any of that divine business'. You can just tell them: "Well you obviously haven't been good enough yet have you?" and that's match point every time.

The most important guideline with the young is to isolate them from their family and social circles as quickly as possible. Fairly soon they'll need to replace all those authority figures and shoulders to cry on with the Church - and then we've got them for keeps.

Of course by far the best way to make converts is to have loads of children and teach them the ways of the Church before they get to that irritating stage when they start to question things. Drum the same lessons into them remorselessly day after day after day. They'll soon pick it up and, what's more, they'll never put it down. I should know - it worked like a charm on me!