Relationships are good things, by and large, and God wants us to have lots of them. The most important relationship you will have is, naturally, the one you have with the LORD Himself. Then in second place we have those you might have with your spouse and family; in third place come your friends, in fourth your fellow man, and last of all those relationships you might have with your pets or the beasts of the field.

Now there are many kinds of relationships - the kind you have with your bank manager for example (where you have to pretend you like the money lending wretch) and the kind you have with your parents (who you should respect and honour properly). God doesn't have a problem with these ones, but there is one kind of relationship that really gets His Holy goat. We are talking of course about sexual relationships, and I wish we didn't have to, because just thinking about this kind of thing is enough to get the LORD all moody and reaching for His 'smiting stick', but I fear we must offer guidance on this most unsavoury of topics.

"Can't we just talk about Jesus getting a huge spiky spear stuck into his wishy washy face instead?" I hear you ask and though I am sorely tempted, because that does sound much more fun, sadly this is a topic that must be broached, so broach it we shall. First we shall cover the basics. And the basic rule of sex where God is concerned is not to have any.

"For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:"
1 Thessalonians 4:3

"Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart."
2 Timothy 2:22

If you will just obey these simple verses then everything will be fine. However, for those of you who cannot restrain your disgusting animal urges, we shall have to start dealing with some specifics which incur punishments that must be administered in this world, as opposed to merely burning in Hell for ever.

First off, dont have sex with animals, even really small ones. It may come as a surprise to you but this is not the behaviour God expects from His people. He has decreed that anyone caught doing this type of thing should be murdered, and don't think were going to let the animal away with it either!

"And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast.

And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."
Leviticus 20:15 16

While having sex with women isn't quite as bad as having sex with animals, there are times when it almost is. I am talking about that rather unsettling moment of the month when we would say, in modern terms, that a woman is having 'her period'. In the good old days, the term 'period' was rightly kept for use in more decent conversation, and a woman's menstrual cycle was referred to more accurately as her 'sickness' or 'issue'.

The Bible tells us that when a woman is having her monthly 'sickness' she becomes unclean and must be separated from other people:

"And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.

And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean"
Leviticus 15:19 - 20

So needless to say:

"And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people."
Leviticus 20:18

How shall we take the meaning of "cut off from among their people"? Well it seems to me quite clear that such people should be shunned permanently, lest they start spraying the woman's 'sickness' all over the place in their bouts of frenzied lust! Gah the very thought makes me want to throw up all over my nice clean robes!

There are other rules about what not to have sex with and how long you will be unclean for if you do but Im afraid I just can't take any more of this filth, and insist we change the subject to something less sordid before I faint.


Ah, that's better! God likes a good marriage. Now there may be sex involved with marriage at some point, but I'm simply going to pretend there isn't for the good of my peace of mind. Sadly, I do have to admit that there is such a thing as adultery, for it is my duty to remind you that:

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell."
Matthew 5:27-29

So remember my children, the next time you begin to find anyone physically attractive tear your eyes out of your head and throw them on the floor! I think you'll find this will stop the problem. You may also discover that suddenly having no eyes will also effect your life in other areas, but you should have thought of that before you went around looking at people, knowing full well the possibility was there that you might have feelings beyond your conscious control.

You may also wish to ask yourself the next time you consider giving money to the blind:

"Am I funding visual adulterers here?"

Oh yes indeed, marriage is not something the LORD takes lightly. It is a sacred, sacred ritual involving The Good LORD and His children, where vows are made and solemn oaths given before witnesses and under the blessed gaze of the Almighty.

"If a man vow a vow unto the LORD, or swear an oath to bind his soul with a bond; he shall not break his word, he shall do according to all that proceedeth out of his mouth."
Numbers 30:2

So while the language here is pretty strong, it is comforting to know that while the holy state of matrimony is of course a very serious commitment to make, God doesn't really mind that much if you decide to just chuck in the towel and that you can't be bothered with the whole bloody thing.

In fact, many theologians have argued that God likes a good divorce. They offer the convincing argument that Henry VIII had a couple and he was of course the most sacred and holy person who ever lived - after Jesus. Another point, which is hard to dispute, is that if the LORD didn't like divorce why would He have created so many lawyers?

If you're thinking of having a divorce, take our advice and have two instead! Spread the goodly news of divorce around a bit we say! Ask your friends and neighbours - have they had a divorce yet? And if not - why not?