Guttenwoaker's paper on the Behaviour of Early Man - 15th June 2008, Reuters
"A few hundred thousand years ago, primitive man was banging his head with rocks," top historian and scientist Dr Emil Guttenwoaker revealed today when questioned upon his recent findings in the gravel caves of East Timor.
"Basically we are finding the skulls of early man with many rocks," explained Guttenwoaker. "So is not hard to see how the men would be banging their heads with them." Picking up a rock he demonstrated his new theory on one of the many journalists present, lunging quickly at the startled woman before cracking her round the head with a huge lump of granite. "This rock is not one of the ones I have been digging up," he admitted, "I bring this one from my home."
However Sir Henry Gantles, renowned archaeologist, has disagreed strongly with Guttenwoaker's findings.
"This is just the latest in a long line of Dr Guttenwoaker's poorly conceived theories," counters Gantles. "He finds the skulls of men among the rocks and so deduces they have been hitting themselves with them. On the face of it this all sounds reasonable enough, but what the good doctor is not telling us about is the massive amount of dirt he also found near the skulls."
"Yes, dirt!" continues Gantles, his eyes bright. "The same kind of dirt you might find in your garden at home! It is obvious to me that far from banging each others head with rocks, early man was actually lying down in the dirt near to some rocks!"
However Guttenwoaker argues that early man would not lie down in the dirt. "He was hating the mud! Early man was hating mud much more than we do; we know this from finding the human bones inside tigers. They used the tigers as a mode of transportation," he explains. "This was so the humans could be avoiding getting the dirt on their feet; they would jump inside the tigers and be steering the tigers by pulling on the insides, much like we do today with buses and cars."
The debate seems set to continue for many years to come, but it looks highly likely that one of these theories will eventually replace the widely accepted 'Early Man were Skeletons Living under the Ground, Breathing Dirt'
theory put forth by the great Harold Shankley in 1859.
Evolution Suffers Crushing Blow - 23rd October 2007, Reverend Bernard Worthington
Exciting new evidence has come to light concerning the long running argument between Godless evolutionists and enlightened Christians about the creation of Man and all life on Earth!
And for once it's good news people!
Of course scientists are finding new fossils all the time to support their side of the debate, but did you ever stop to think that isn't it a bit weird how they never find a fossil that backs up the Christian view? Yeah, we thought that too, it's obvious that the scientists are destroying the fossils that would contradict their ideas.
But it seems that digging up fossils will soon be a thing of the past, as Christian scholar Lloyd Chartleham has made a discovery that makes all that tedious messing about with spades and mud redundant.
Just imagine what those heathen biological scientists will think when they realise they are all out a job! I imagine they will be quite shocked and, better still, deeply unhappy! I would have thought that their expressions would be quite similar to a photo I found of Richard Dawkins looking irritated, pictured here.
So what are these wonderful revelations? Well, we were lucky enough to have one of our church reporters on hand at the Threwswick Town Church Hall in Kent, where Mr Chartleham revealed his discovery to the world.
"Yes, it came like a bolt from the blue," he spouted. "I was sitting in my library idly thumbing through this book called the Bible - which, I should add, was a very good read. As I flicked through the pages, I noticed that at the start of the book, there seemed to be an account of how everything came into being!"
"This book gives a very clear and concise version of how everything came to be, and what's more at no point does it entertain an open mind or venture that any evidence is required to support the outrageous and preposterous statements it flings about with gay abandon. In fact, the book is purported to be the very word of God himself!" Lloyd gurgled.
When asked if it would be at all possible that the book was not in fact the mind of the LORD, and that possibly some men might have written it, who then lied and said it was dictated by the Divine Being, Mr Chartleman replied: "Are you calling God a liar? Blasphemy! Blasphemy! Quick everybody - turn around three times and bark like a dog to dispel the evil spirits!"
Which of course we did, and to this day we have not been attacked by evil spirits of any kind.